


Why Jim's Vitals Were Off

by JaneyKatherineHummingbird



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Pain, kirk keeps secrets, poor hurting Jim, radiation, terminal illness, why he wouldn't let Bones examine him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-05-25 14:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6199417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneyKatherineHummingbird/pseuds/JaneyKatherineHummingbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Radiation wasn't the only thing killing Kirk. How he hid it from Bones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came from a head canon I saw on Tumblr, speculating about why Jim was so standoffish with Bones and why Bones said "your vitals are way off."

"What do you mean, it's unlikely to be cured? Is It Terminal?

"I'm afraid so, Mr. Kirk."

How long do I have?"

"With treatment, perhaps a year. Without, maybe six to seven months." 

"Your vitals are way off!"  
"Get that thing off of me, Doctor."  
"You're a mess, Jim."  
"I'm Fine, Bones."  
"The Hell you are!!!"

These conversations rang through Jim Kirk's mind as he climbed through the tunnel that led to his ship's warp core. So much had happened in the weeks since his diagnosis, that he had pushed it to the back of his mind. 

Pike dying, chasing Khan, fighting Klingons, and being hunted down by Marcus all served to thoroughly distract him from the grim news of his own impending demise. Jim hadn't told anyone, not even his best friend, because he could hardly believe it himself and he dreaded seeing the devastation that the news would bring to the man who had been there for the rough times and good. 

Jim ached all over as he laboriously climbed up the core. He didn't know if it was from the disease ravaging his body or the radiation poisoning breaking him down. The symptoms of the rare disease (he couldn't pronounce the name, but it was something alien) had begun to be difficult to hide and the sharp-eyed Bones had noticed something was wrong when he ran his tricorder over the captain on the way to the Enterprise. 

Kirk had dismissed him before he could look any further. He was going to get Harrison, dying or not.

"At least this way it won't be long drawn out death and nobody will have to see me waste away", he thought, gritting his teeth and kicking the misaligned parts over and over with every ounce of energy he had left. The fight with the Klingons had left him doubled over with exhaustion, even coughing up blood. He had known then he couldn't hide it much longer. 

The Core housings sprang back in place and Kirk was propelled backwards by the blast of energy. He hit the ground hard and blacked out briefly. 

When he came to, he began a halting, painful journey back to the door he had entered after knocking out Scotty. He had to stop several times because of the pain and nausea, which led to violent vomiting.

Exhausted and wracked with agony, Jim knew he didn't have much longer to live by the time he collapsed against the chamber door. He squinted through failing vision to see Scotty standing there, horrified. He thought fuzzily he could at least say goodbye to his best engineer. After all, the poor man looked wrecked, seeing his Captain suffering and unable to do anything. 

Spock arrived in a rush and knelt in front of the glass. Kirk's head was pounding so hard, he couldn't focus on much after the Vulcan assured him the ship was safe. He had done his job and now he could die in peace. With his last words he tried to make Spock understand how he valued their friendship too much to let him die--first in the volcano and then in a plummeting starship. It appeared Spock got the message when he matched Kirk's hand on the glass in the Vulcan farewell. But as Jim felt the life leave him, his last thought was, "I'm so sorry, Bones."


	2. Chapter 2

Starfleet Medical Hospital was a bustling place. In the aftermath of Khan's attack it was filled to the brim with wounded. Doctors and nurses were stretched thin with the influx of patients and one particular doctor didn't even bother to go home at all. 

Leonard McCoy had been at his captains bedside for over a week now, monitoring his status constantly, refusing to trust anyone else with his charge. The transfusion of augment blood appeared to be successful. Now it was a waiting game to see if it when Kirk woke up. 

He would never forget the deathly pallor on Jim's face as he lay still and lifeless on the table in sickbay. The sight had devastated him to a point he wasn't sure he'd recover from.

"He just had to be the hero and martyr himself gloriously", thought Leonard bitterly, "and I never even got to say goodbye." 

But that wasn't the only knowledge that hurt the doctor. That afternoon, they had taken a blood sample from Jim to compare it to an older sample in storage. The new blood looked healthy, but what he saw on that old sample was not normal. So abnormal in fact, that Leonard called in his mentor Phil Boyce to confirm his findings. 

If what he saw was correct, Jim had been ill long before he ever set foot in the warp core. No wonder the quick scans he had done on Jim in the shuttle had shown such alarming results. It didn't take long for Phil to confirm it. Jim had a rare alien cancer that had no known cure in the unlucky human that contracted it. 

Leonard sat down hard, anguish ripping through him at the thought of what Jim had been going through.

"Why would he hide it from me, Phil? Why? I'm his best friend and CMO. He knew he could trust me."

Dr. Boyce eyed the comatose Captain sadly. "I don't know, Len. My guess is that he didn't know how to tell you and he was afraid of losing his ship."

"He must have been in pain for a while but he never said a word. But he used to whine if he got so much as a common cold. Jim, when you wake up, you've got some explaining to do", Len muttered at his motionless friend, grateful to see Jim's chest rising and falling.

Evidently Jim, knowing he had nothing to lose, had rushed into that warp core to save the day himself rather than let Scotty do it. He'd prefer to go out like that anyway, thought Leonard, feeling queasy himself at the thought of his best friend slowly fading away in front of his eyes and succumbing to a painful disease just like Leonard's father.

He shook the gloomy thoughts away. It was all a moot point now. Jim was going to survive and live to captain again because he'd make sure of that. Thank goodness for healing augment blood.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim wakes up and finally talks to Bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I forgot to mark this as complete earlier. Was really tired when I posted the last chapter. Can be seen as either gen or pre-McKirk, depending on your tastes.

On the fourteenth day, Jim's eyelids finally fluttered open and he looked around bewildered, blinking at the light.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic. You were barely dead" groused the doctor, covering up the emotion he felt.

"Bones?" Jim croaked out, "where am I?" He felt really confused. One minute, his heart was slowing to a stop and everything was dark, now suddenly he was very much alive in a bright room. 

"You're in Starfleet Medical, Jim", the doctor answered as he gave Jim a much needed sip of water, "you've been in a coma for two weeks." 

A Coma? But how was he not dead? Jim wondered. Bones went on. 

"I synthesized a serum from Khan's blood. Apparently, it has powerful healing properties. Turns out it can cure radiation poisoning and cancer at the same time."

He gave Jim a meaningful look. Jim gulped. So Bones knew. Well, there was no avoiding it now. Before he could speak, Bones cut him off. "That's another conversation for another time, hero boy. You saved our lives." He gave a wobbly grin and Jim smiled back. 

Spock came in shortly after and Jim heard the tale of his fight with Khan and uncharacteristic show of rage. The whole bridge crew stopped by, one or two at a time to offer their thanks and express their happiness at the captain's recovery. Thankfully, none of them seemed aware of Jim's other big issue. 

Eventually, Bones announced that Jim had had enough and the last visitors were shooed out of the room. Jim decided to get this conversation over with right away. 

"Bones, I didn't want to hurt you," pleaded Jim, not liking the closed off expression on his friend's face. "I wanted to tell you, but things went crazy before I could find the right time or figure out the right words. I know it was cold of me to push you away like that. I didn't want to open up that can of worms until we had Khan in custody." 

Leonard sighed and sat down in the chair beside Jim's bed. "How long were you having symptoms, Jim?", he asked clearly not referring to the radiation.

"Four months", admitted Jim, "but they weren't bad, just spells of dizziness and feeling faint. It didn't get rough until the last month. Then I had weird bruises, bad headaches and felt so weak I fainted a couple times, which I passed off as low blood sugar."

Leonard grimaced. He remembered that incident. He shouldn't have let Jim get away so easily. He should have insisted on examining him then and there. 

Jim guessed his thoughts. "Don't blame yourself, Bones", he said imploringly, "I was in denial and terrified to tell my best friend that he was going to have to witness me wither away and die in less than a year. So going into the warp core was a no-brainer. You would be saved, I would go quicker, less suffering involved. The only problem was, I failed to realize just how much I needed you." 

Tears pricked Leonard's eyes as he imagined Jim gasping his life away in agonizing pain. "I am upset I wasn't called down there. Goodness knows, I can't stand the thought of you hurting like that, but I probably would have done something stupid to try to get you out and the hobgoblin would've had to nerve pinch me. I'm not sure that would've eased your passing much."

Jim smiled weakly. He was so tired but first he had to know one thing.  
"Does this mean I'm cured, Bones?", he asked hopefully. Leonard smiled back crookedly, hazel eyes still filled with unspoken emotions.

"Yes, Jim, you're healed all right--both the radiation and the disease. The radiation took out the bad cells along with the good and the serum regenerated new ones. But", he grew serious, "don't ever blow off a physical again, or I'll hypo you into next week and declare you unfit."

"Okay, Bones", Jim said sleepily, "you win. I promise. You beat death, after all. What would I do without you? Thankssomuch...." and with that, he was fast asleep.

Leonard sat there for a while, holding his pale hand and watching him breathe. He vowed to do everything in his power to make sure Jim never had to bear such heavy burdens alone ever again.  
That night, Leonard went home and got the best sleep he'd had in ages.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and Uhura visit Jim and he tells them the truth.

Four days after he woke up, Jim was trying to pass the time with a book and failing miserably. He had decided to tell Spock and Uhura the truth about his cancer and why he'd been so aloof. He hoped there'd forgive him, but he knew Spock would be hurt and Uhura would tell him he was an idiot (in a subtle way, of course). But both of them could be trusted to keep it quiet, which is why he'd decided to tell them. 

He was still very weak and visiting times were severely restricted by Bones, so he only had twenty minutes to explain things in their allotted time before his CMO would kick them out. 

Spock had been just who he'd needed to be there at the end of his life, since Bones couldn't be. He wanted his friend, of course, but he didn't want to take Bones away from saving people that could be saved, unlike him: the dead man walking. 

"Hello, Captain." Spock's voice jolted him out of his thoughts and he grinned at the sight of his First Officer and Lieutenant. 

"Hey, Spock, Uhura. Thanks for coming. It's pretty boring around here and you know how I hate hospitals."

"It was no trouble, Captain," assured Spock. 

"How are you feeling, Jim?" Uhura asked. "Dr. McCoy said you had something serious to talk about and that made me nervous." Her eyes were examining his thin figure, looking for signs of relapse. 

"I'm getting better, Bones says, but it doesn't feel like it," Jim sighed. "Can't have solid food yet and I still end up sleeping half the day. It feels like I'm skin and bones right now." He wrinkled his nose with disgust holding up one arm rather shakily. 

"I find it far preferable to the condition you arrived in," Spock said rather bluntly. "The doctor says you are progressing well, considering the circumstances." 

"Well, yeah, it's better than being dead, but I can't help but want to do something! You shouldn't have to do both our jobs." 

Jim hated that Spock had all the burden of writing letters of condolence to the families of the crew they'd lost in addition to being grilled by Admirals and writing endless reports. That was supposed to be HIS job. 

"Jim, do not stress yourself about me. Vulcans require less rest than humans and I truly do not mind, knowing you are safe." 

Jim was touched by Spock's honesty. The poor guy had finally admitted they were friends right before his death and was obviously still learning how the friendship thing worked, but he was doing a good job so far. 

"Well, I trust you'll keep him from overdoing it, Uhura." He told the lieutenant with a grin. "Vulcans may be strong, but I don't want my friend here working himself to exhaustion." 

Something in Spock's eyes glittered at the use of the word "friend." 

Uhura smiled back at him. "I'm doing my best, Jim. Now quit deflecting, I know you've got secrets to spill." 

Jim twisted the sheet into knots before he could find the words he needed to say. It was harder than he thought to tell his friends he'd kept such a secret from them. 

"First off, this stays in this room," he stated firmly. "I'm not comfortable with the general public knowing this, that's why I'm telling you two, because I can trust you to be discreet."

They nodded, but looked at each other uneasily. 

Jim took a deep breath. "You remember that time I passed out on the away mission to Delta 7?" 

"Yes," Uhura answered cautiously. "You told us it was low blood sugar." 

"I lied," Jim admitted, "a fact that will not surprise you, probably. In reality, I had just been diagnosed with Andorian leukemia, which is almost always fatal." Uhura gasped, but Jim plowed on. "The actual scientific name is impossible to pronounce, so you'll have to get it from Bones, Spock. Anyway, I'd been feeling bad--dizziness, fainting, weird aches and bruises--for a couple months and went to see a doctor who told me I had less than a year to live."

"Oh, Jim!!"   
"Captain--" Spock's voice trailed off in shock.

"Yeah," he sighed, toying with the sheets again. "I was thrown for a loop. How in the world could I begin to process my own mortality at 25 while telling my friends and crew that I'd be dead in less than a year? I chickened out and kept quiet until it got to the point I knew I couldn't keep going anymore. I was planning on resigning after Nibiru and telling you then, but then I lost the ship anyway, Daystrom happened, and there was no way I was going to miss out on taking down Khan, no matter how bad I felt. Then, when I realized what had to be done to keep us from crashing, it was perfectly logical that I go in to fix the Core." 

Spock was frowning. "That illness would explain the exhaustion you showed after fighting the Klingons. Did Dr. McCoy know?" 

"No." Jim said shamefacedly. "Not until he did a blood test while I was in the coma. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys. I didn't know how." 

"Were you in a lot of pain, Jim?" Uhura asked, wracking her mind for moments she missed and wincing at the remembrance of little moments that she'd brushed off as emotional stress. 

"On and off. It didn't compare to the radiation, but at least I knew THAT would kill me much faster." 

Tears filled Nyota's eyes and Spock cleared his throat, willing emotion away. Both of them had seen him in terrible pain from that radiation, but the revelation that the captain had been suffering in silence for months and he had failed to observe the signs was almost too much for the stoic first officer. 

"I find that I am even more grateful to the good doctor now, Jim," he said evenly. "Has the serum cured your cancer as well?" 

"Either that or the radiation," Jim said hopefully. "I'll have to be tested frequently to be sure the bad cells didn't regenerate, though. Bones already let me have it for not telling him." 

"I imagine he did," Spock said dryly, "and quite colorfully, too, most likely. I understand why you kept silent, Captain, but I entreat you in the future to tell someone if you should relapse. You should not go through it alone." 

Jim's heart was warmed by their words. He'd been so used to being alone, he hadn't learned how to rely on others. Now, he was a part of a family, and they wanted him to trust them they way they trusted him. He vowed to be more open from now on. They'd all need to be supportive of each other in the upcoming months as the investigation and recovery went on. 

Bones came bustling in to give Jim his meds and shoo the visitors out. "Time to go, Commander, Lieutenant. Jim's about ready for his hypos and mid afternoon nap.   
Don't make that face at me, Jim. You know I'm right."

"Very well, Doctor," Spock replied, reluctantly backing away. "Rest well, Captain."

Uhura stopped and squeezed Jim's hand gently. "Get well soon, captain. The chair misses you." 

Jim gave a tired smile. "Thanks for coming, guys. I'll try to be more worthy of her this time. Tell Scotty I want to see him sometime and get a report on the repairs." 

"Will do," she replied. "I'm a little concerned about him. But all you need to concern yourself with is healing, Jim. Sweet dreams." 

"Live Long and Prosper, Jim." Spock added, holding up his hand in the Vulcan greeting. 

Jim returned it shakily. "Peace and long life, Spock." 

Before he dozed of, Jim thought he might have a chance at both those things thanks to the efforts of his family. He wouldn't trade any of them for the world and he'd never regret what he'd done to keep them alive.


End file.
